| Hey Kuya. |
[11 Aug 2009|04:10am] |
Hey kuya,its 4:08 am in the morning. I want to tell you so much, pero I'm kindov sleepy na. I want you to write in this blog so we can keep touch with each other. :) I want you to tell me what you're thinking lately. Like the deep stuff. Tell me everything. Ok?
ok. to access this blog.
username: bigbrothervini
password: sarz90
ARYT. There you go.
Write to me ok?
I want a full report on Angela and baby JC. (if possible, update me with pictures.)
PUTA, PARA KANG NASA IBANG BANSA AH. I miss you. Talk to you soon.
<3 Shobe
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| Hindi ko alam na march 23 ngayon. |
[23 Mar 2009|12:33am] |
Hay nako. I was blogging pa naman about asking for a sign... for the next guy who comes along.
shit, napaka cynical ko na sa love ngayon noh? :|
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| Thought for the day. |
[23 Mar 2009|12:31am] |
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What hurts most? Losing the one you love? Or loving the one you lost?
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| Thought for the day. |
[20 Mar 2009|12:29am] |
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From now on, I'll be leaving bits of thoughts for you to ponder.
Para naman masabi mong may kwenta lahat ng pagbloblog dito.
Kunyari, interesting to' k? Just go with it. ;););)
SO HERE'S TODAY'S.
Who the hell is Jason Mraz dating?
Oh I bet you're dying to know.
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| AND, would it be the same for me? |
[20 Mar 2009|12:25am] |
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Fill in the blanks.
I. When a Victor Ocier destroys my life it takes a ___________________________ to glue everything back together.
A) GOD
B) REALLY REALLY REALLY CUTE PUPPY
C) College hot stuff
D) BRAND NEW SPANKIN' SHINY CONVERTIBLE.
E) Victor Ocier
Please let it be D, please pleasepleaseleaseOHpuhlease.
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| Blogging because. |
[20 Mar 2009|12:23am] |
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I just had to think how a Kristine Roca destroyed your life
and how
An Angela Abanilla glued everything back together.
Errr, yknow what mmm sayin' foo'.
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| . |
[20 Mar 2009|12:18am] |
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Ugh, oh. And I can't believe you quit smoking. You've even gained weight and everything and it still hasn't sunk in.
Must quit smoking. Must quit smoking. Must quit smoking.
How the fuck did you manage?
I mean srsly. Do I really have to impregnate myself and birth a child to realize,
I HAVE GOT TO GET A GRIP AND GET OVER MYSELF?
and no, I'm not talking about (JUST) smoking anymore.
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| How can things change so fast? |
[19 Mar 2009|11:43pm] |
Its there, the inevitable. The constant change, without knowing when it comes or how it creeps into your life and you could never gain back the closure and the control once more. Yes; we live life setting aside what tomorrow brings, but in the back of our minds there is still this tiny voice telling us: a nagging wreck despite the calm----the composure, that things can go awfully wrong or right altering our lives beyond our capacity or control.
It was just like yesterday how I found out that my real mother died. I was living at age 1, and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 and at 10 and 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 and 15 and 16 and 17 and 18, and never really knew who she was.
They say that a daughter is the splitting image of her mother, I can't say the same for me, only because I never truly have known mine.
And I thought I was the perfect reflection of Ma. Luzonia T. Reyes. And then BAM, you have a biological mother, and guess what? Oh we forgot to tell you one small detail, she's dead. You'll never get to meet her. And you think to yourself, oh she's not missing out on anything at all. Because..
There's the constant fear of failing and falling apart. At a moment, you are sure you're going to become the most passionate, cutting-edge, phenomenal writer the world has ever seen, and then you're not. Before you know it, you're begging the UST AB dean to let you into Political Science, and when your there, you don't even know why you are in the first place. But then you tell yourself, maybe it was divine intervention you know? Maybe, God was saying, you are good at something but you're meant for another because at that; you just are better.
And what about losing everything? When you think about it, you have everything under control. Its the beginning of the school year and you've put your head into it..you're going places, you're going to take over the world. Hey, law school is just four years away. You fall in love with what fate/divine intervention or whatever cosmic force has driven you to pursue, yet it breaks your heart. Something inside you just fazes and you lose what you're holding. Nothing seems to be clear anymore. Everything is just a cluttered, mess.
You fall apart, and you have to keep it to yourself, because otherwise.. people who thrive in you to keep sanity just blows over.
AND what about the paranoia of the failing family business? At one moment, you witness it full on, how it slowly disintegrates..how you think its going to leave you poor and worthless and....
What the fuck, my mother has a dollar exchange business. Whoopsie, we're still going to afford those piano lessons and send you to college after all. Don't forget your allowance sweetheart, the groceries are in the cabinets.
What about the ex that just haunts you wherever you go. Constantly telling you that you'll never find anyone better. No one comes close, yadiyadiyada. Etc, etc. The drama is sickening and you try to rehabilitate the emotions.. but they stay. They won't fucking go away when you need them to. These things are so strong that at a time when you're ready to give up.. just a tiny pang of it to rear its head up in a fazed shitty situation.. you surrender to it.
Everyone around you pretends to be happy when the thing is, inside they're worried about the very thing your afraid of as well. Sharing the same fears and clinging on to each other for comfort, support seems like a fantastic idea except for the fact that.. You have to host the sanity. Absorb everyone's clutter, everyone's doggone hysteria, everyone's fucking peace of mind; don't forget the chaos that comes along with the package just yet.
Oh yes, they go around saying, "Everything is going to be ok," ... "You'll be fine." but all you really need to hear is, "Damn it, you're not ok.. but take your time, you'll get there."
Oh yes yes. I'm about to say, life's a bitch so live with it, shit happens, what can't kill you makes you stronger.. I'm getting to that.
But, I changed my mind. It'll come out sarcastic anyway. What I wanted to say was.
Things fall apart, so better things can fall into place.
AND I wrote this, because you made me remember that.
You told me that at my 18th birthday.
The day when I was forced to grow up. The day I was in the dark groping and feeling for things in the ground just to find my way out.
Because, we change. We all change.
We share the same fears.
but I guess, clinging on to each other won't be so bad with you.
Afterall, we've been doing it half my life.
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| . |
[15 Mar 2009|09:06pm] |
Dear Kuya Vin,
You may say na napaka drama-rama ko nanaman pero hopefully you understand how I'm feeling right now. I really really really miss you. =(
Its still painful because I still love Vicky. (Yep. Ganda ng screename, hindi halata no?) AND..
its just that, I can't seem to forget. I guess you can say I gave up parts of myself I can never really get back and I put my life on hold for so long I don't know how to go on living without him being a part of it anymore.
Yeah, you keep saying I'm being a slutty whore for going around dating multiple boys but I just can't kill the pain without it. And somehow, even if I've managed to put on small romances with other people I guess nothing compares. The pain just thrives. The love just thrives regardless of how my will to instruct regeneration of dead patterns in my life caused by the losing of him. Its stupid you may say, its not healthy and its creepy. BUT I, I pray for him. Every night before I go to bed, I whisper.. "God, please please please let him find his way back to me." I don't know if I should still keep on loving him.. and whether its wrong or right, I can't help myself. It's there, existing..blown out of proportion. Thinking of the night I lost him to my stupidity, I can't bring myself to forget. Can't bring myself to forgive, forgive myself for letting him and myself down. When I lay beneath his will and his strength I thought he'd forever be the person for me and I gave myself to him willingly. I hope you understand this, because I don't know how to explain it any further.
Yes, you may call me a slut---- a whore, for choosing to fill the void of my heart at the loss of him. But he was an appendage... he was my strength---and I don't think I could ever rebuild what I lost to him. So its like what your dad says, he was right about me. I am foolish. I am stupid. I don't deserve Victor. But what now? What happens now? Do I just succumb and dwell on the fact that in my foolishness and stupidity--- I deserve no life after him?
I feel so rotten, so withered. So used. None of this I blame him for. I feel so tired of fighting, yet if I do..
What else is there to lose? What else is there to gain? This is all I know----to fight this emotion so I can live another day.
When I think of his face, his words.. the way he knows me none like any other person in this world--- I think of my life reflective in his. How as we walk in two separate lives they intertwine somehow and it brings back all the memories it brings back the shame, the guilt, the fear... that everything is hopeless and I can no longer rise to the occassion.
How do I get rid of this feeling? How do I recluse the hopeless wanting, the giving.. how can I lose myself to him? AND WHY?
He makes me feel so weak, so useless, frantic, desolate.. without meaning to. He just does, and it makes me so angry at myself that I could be so affected by the mere thought of him not being a part of me.
Its always been Sarah and Victor.
And now its what? Its nothing. I won't ever find anyone else better. I feel like an idiot pitying myself for this very fact, but... its true. No matter how much I make up for everything I've done in my life.. the real prize---- his love, will never be mine again. That is the most painful of all. He is gone and I have no way of accepting this. And I feel shriveled. Trapped. There isn't anywhere else to go or hide or change for the betterment. If I can't accomplish this--- become worthy of him..
Then all is lost.
I just want to share with you its irony. That in the pain of losing him---and loving him still.. I can't get myself to become a better person, I can't reconstruct who I was before him.. the one that used to be enough for him.
and as long as theres that, I can never ever have him again.
And this is why I write---- because it is too painful to just sit and feel it and let it pass only for it to return.
Tell me what to do. JUST, tell me.
Its just too unbearable.
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| Found this. |
[02 Mar 2009|01:51am] |
Walalang. Reminisce.
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| Dear Kuya Vin, |
[25 Feb 2009|10:42pm] |
I can express how I feel about this to you, so I'll put it into writing nalang. He is the most wonderful gift you've imparted with me. Thankyou for letting him be a part of my life. =) It's amazing. I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. 
I know that you love Angela. You have for two years, and you both had your share of mistakes in the relationship. Your own share of infidelities (with the most wrongggggg talaga of people. I still disapprove! You know whom I'm talking of.) and even before that, I knew how you guys started out. She was so shy of you, and I used to be a messenger... but no matter what happens, you stuck by her and loved her and protected her. Although you went through so much pain together and apart it may be, in the end, things fell into place for the both of you. Because of that faith and love and strength; you generated something so precious, with your love for Angela.. with your full and utter devotion for her; did you manage to propagate a new soul. You brought into this world something so perfect, serene, gentle: another human being pieced together by the act of selfless love.
Something that can never compare to anything else.
I may have said a lot of things that caused you and Angela pain in the past, and I want to ask for your forgiveness. How could I have doubted you? You are so good at so many things, (never had I once lost faith in your capabilities, I admit no matter how much I cursed you then). You had a certain perception of things you had a grasp of. People seem to gravitate around you. You're very talented, very humurous, very passionate...
But loving her, brought out the best in you. And you have him now. You have to be an example. You have to be a better father, and an even better life partner for Angela. You were always good at taking care of her.
So please be good at taking care of them.
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| Galing sa old blog ko. :) ('Cos this was the only entry of mine that made you cry.) |
[25 Feb 2009|10:38pm] |
8th-Jul-2006 08:16 pm
When I think of you,
I think of the days before, thinking of you teaching me to play with a ball, thinking of you protecting me from the stones..and maybe later, sing to me while the sunshine dies.
When I think of you,
I think of all the times you made me smile, the times I felt like laughing because I made you smile. The old rusting faucet, and the way it bled me..and you stopped me, from crying.
When I think of you,
I see trees. I see horses wild and free. I see you taking me to a distant forest, where things are deep brown, the earth is muddy and squishy, and shiny green cos of the rain. And everything is almost heartfelt. Almost.
When I think of you,
I think of your hug. Your big arms that elope around me, making me feel like I will never cry again. Something that made me feel like no other, safe.
When I think of you,
I think of you as my brother. The brother I have never had.
Who gave me so much, and loved me so deep.
You are my brother. You always will be.
Even if you are, gone.
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| Always means always. |
[30 Nov 2007|04:50pm] |
You always said that we'd never grow apart. But we have. We're changing into two different people and it scares me, but I'm not much afraid of what to be, but I'm afraid of what your going to be. I'm afraid not because I think you're going to end up in pieces, I'm afraid because I don't know what's going to become of you. Where you are going to end up one day, is far far far different than I am, and way way way different than the life I've lived. We'd be two different people with two different lives and I don't want that to happen. Nothing seems to work anymore. No matter how many words I write down or speak or say them softly or angrily or with love or with hate; nothing works on you anymore. That's scary. Do you know what else is scary? Taking a look at you one day and not being able to know what to say to you. That's scary. What's scary is I won't be able to go to your wedding because I'd be too lazy because 'we weren't that close anyway'. Or I wouldn't get to take care of your kids. Whats scary is not being there for you. Whats scary is not being here to tell you all these things I'm afraid of. Whats scary is that all this is slowly unfolding into a reality. What's scary is, that I love you beyond your comprehension..and I'm not sure you understand how. I'm sure you know to what extent, but you've never really understood why. I'm not so sure myself, but I will tell you this. You are my brother and not by blood or by soul or faith or friendship or by bond (partially though) but entirely. No questions asked. And so when you are far, and I don't know what you are becoming and I don't know what you are doing and I don't know what you are up to, and something goes terribly wrong, I hate you so much for it. But mostly, I hate myself more for it. I know we've always fought because of this. But I am still hoping. I am still always and always hoping. Because I know your not what you think you are. No one completely knows who they are. That's what I've learned lately. That we should not dwell in our arrogance of the frail understanding we have developed in this quiet, early, faith. I don't know what happens and I don't know if your pouty faces still work on me, I don't know if you are still tall or bald or fat or ignorant or disobedient. I don't know anymore. That really really really scares me. Not knowing. I have to know. Because somehow, in its comfort, I know that I can love you. I know that I know that I truly love you. Because I am in the closure of your identity. I don't know if this explains anything. I don't know if you understand me, all I know is that I really love you and I don't want to ever give up on you. I hope that you know that. But you have to keep fighting. You have to never give up on yourself. When you think you are achieving, achieve some more. Don't speak too soon. You have to be consistent. Please do this. Do this for me. If you really love me, do something with your life. Please? I know your not the bad person that you think you are. Why do you think that you are a bad person? Why do you have to live up to the life you have? You are always given the choice to change your life. But you never take your chance to step out of the hell. Instead, you indulge. One day you'll understand what I'm trying to say. I hope that one day, you'll understand what I'm trying to say to you. I know that I'm not in the position to say this,
but I love you and I want you to get better.
Please stop this. Stop the shit you are doing and you can be way better than this. I expect for you to be. You are way better than this. Why are you so afraid of turning away from this life anyway? Is it because you've been so used to this life that you no longer know any other way to live?
I don't know what you want Kuya Vin. But you can't sit around and let the world fall into place. Because it never will fall into place for you. You have to take responsibility. But I know you know all these things, but the problem with you is, you never use these things to your benefit. You never think of this with your heart. You never feel this. When it comes to your life, you never take things seriously enough.
I hate this. I hate telling you what to do, mostly because I want you to be happy. But this is the second time you've done this to Angela. When are you going to learn kuya Vin? WHEN?
I'm sorry. Mostly because I was a little out of hand. But ayoko ng ginaganun mo si Angela, do you understand me? Do you know how much it hurts for her to find out abt the other girl? She cried to me!
I can't believe this. I can't believe this shit you are putting people through. Please stop na. Please, I'm begging.
I hope you think better...I hope you understand and I hope you learn.
Someday you will understand all I'm saying.
I just hope you realize it sooner. Its never too late. Ok, I have to go. Were going to the hospital.
My lolo's dying na.. I don't know what to make of it, but I'm being strong for my dad because they were not that close.
Anyway. I miss you a ton and you are a jackass and a dumbass and I hate you for it.
Please please please think. Ok? Think.
I don't know if your going to be able to read this, but its worth a try.
<3 Shobe (always, even if we do grow into two different people, and have different lives and think different things. always means always)
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| Heyhey rainy day. |
[27 Nov 2007|05:29pm] |
I'm bored. So I'm blogging.
A million things I'm supposed to be doing:
1) Studying for Physics and Filipino.
2) VB practice
3) I've no idea right now.
4) Driving (Well, I am supposed to practice)
5) Doing something productive instead of THIS. Hahaha. Anyway. I have to finish the economics project. GAD. OO NGA PALA. What do I write in my profile? Hmmmm.
I am anxious about?
1) Going to college.
2) Driving
3) Being independent
4) Taking responsibility
5) Getting older
6) Weight loss
I hate:
1) Being lazy and unproductive
2) Idle stuff, such as this
3) Our maid, Marlyn.
4) My lolo in the hospital with stage 4 cancer.
5) This optimism is getting sickening. (I'm not used to it)
6) Love songs. Ick. (can't help it, it really is icky yknow.)
And stuff. BASTA stuff.
I miss you and all that jazz.
<3 Shobe
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| 23rd today. |
[23 Nov 2007|07:38pm] |
It's hard to lose the one you love, but its harder to love the one you lost.
I was hurt and I was down and I couldn't heal, I couldn't heal for days and weeks and years on end, but somehow...there came a point when,
I just had to stand up and say to myself, "I was weak, but hey, I survived you."
And thats what keeps me going on. Not the fact that I am stronger (although it has a lot to do with it) or the fact that I am happy or the fact that I want to have a better life, w/o you in it..
Its the fact that I'm alive. I'm living for myself again. Not for you.
:)
Happy 23rd. Things are looking up. :]
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| Heyyyyy.:) |
[15 Nov 2007|09:18pm] |
Izzzz me again. I know yr prolly getting tired of me, pero hello! Ang tagal ko na kayang di naguupdate. :)
(KAPAL NAMAN RIGHT?)
Anyyyywaaaayyyyz. I miss you to death you big dummy! :p (o joke lang, easy tayo.)
I know you haven't been reading this naman so why do I put up with this shit? Hay nako. Wala kang kwentang kapatid. I swear. :))
Hahaha. Just kidding. I know you rule. (ehem ehem)
Sososososo. In other news, I misss youuuu gago. Sobrang promise! I PROMISE.
Hahaha. I'm contemplating nga whether to go to the lsgh soiree this saturday. PEROPERO.
May one setback is, he's going to be there. (ANDDD. TRUST ME. I'm not going because of him.)
I mean. Don't get me wrong ah. I miss him, and all that.
I admit to it, napaka hypocrite ko naman if I say that I don't.
PERO.
I am really firm with my decision to try and forget him. I really want to make out something of my life. I want to change. I want to be better. Promise talaga. This is for you, and for him and everybody whom I've been giving headaches for the last decade. I just want to be better at this. (living in general).
PLUS. I just want a life of my own narin. I don't want him to think that I'm harassing him, or putting pressure on him or whatever. I just want him to be free. Naks :)
But yeah, I do love him. And it sucks. Pero, what are we to do? We can't deny it or erase it..so I just live with it hoping each day it won't further. Everyday it dies and it fades and one day it will die completely. :) Right?
So ayun.
The real reason why I'm going (if lang. IF.) is because of a friend of mine. :) His name is Chukie (thats really his name, nickname actually.) (HAHA! ang cute no?) anyway. Anddd. well, he sortof invited me. (sortof kasi di niya sinabi specific date and time). Isa pa sa mga inaalala ko, I don't have anyone to go with. PATAY NA! Haha. So yun.
So okok. You better be thinking of where to apply for college na ah! Hahahaha. I want to go to the same school as you. :)
csb na ba? :)
hahaha. okok. see you soon. I luff you with all my dear heart could ever love anything in this world (naks naman!)
<3 Shobe.
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